Wednesday, January 13, 2021

I'm Selfish

 I’m Selfish

Anger, frustration, sadness, and fear were predominant feelings I carried through 2020. I realized this morning that I had not written for SOS since January of last year.

I am truly sorry. I have prayed, I have painted stones and I have given them away; however, I have not written. The energy surrounding the stones is still there and I am always sending love and support to those affected by addiction and those who love them, as are the many others who are part of our community.

I left my post, figuratively and literally. The overwhelming feelings of dis-ease felt by our world have entered my spirit and caused me to lose sight of the light that I embrace and serve and caused me to seek solace in my own space instead of the world of openhearted kindness that had driven me in the past.

I have not written because the little voice that inspires my thoughts, words and deeds has been relegated to a place of silence where that voice, my voice, is no longer relevant and can no longer make a difference.

I have gone through the motions, awoken each day to news of disaster, death, and despair.

I had moments of joy that were quickly stifled by news of yet another atrocity.

My pendulum of anger toward others who did not share my beliefs and shame over my judgement of these same others sent me into even darker times emotionally, physically, and most importantly spiritually.

I relapsed… I promised myself years ago that I would never enter the dark times that held me captive for so many and yet that is exactly what I did.

On the surface like so many others, I appeared to have it all together; offering words of hope with a smile, all while internalizing my heartache over our wounded world and the insurmountable suffering that occurs every second of every day.

Yet again, this morning’s headlines sent me spiraling even before I lifted my head off the pillow.

I have been selfish my entire life, I want to change the world all by myself. I want to wish and will away marginalization of all people with a nod of my head. I want world peace and I want it now.

This may seem like a Pollyanna attitude; I call it selfish. I want what I want, and I want it today, I am tired of waiting; I have been waiting my whole life.

I gave up last year… without even realizing it I stopped trying to change the world. I stopped sharing my thoughts because I decided they no longer mattered. I allowed my fear to replace my joy and I take full responsibility for my actions.

Being selfish is both a blessing and a curse depending on what you want.

Right now, I want to find my way back to believing in the Spirit of love, compassion, unity, kindness, grace, and mercy; the Spirit of God that finds connections in division and serves to guide all people toward a future that holds more beauty on the inside that is reflected on the outside.

Light must prevail and sadly at times we must walk through incredibly dark passages to find our way back to the light.

I believe these are those times. I am searching for the light and I can no longer be selfish. I must do my part to do my part and I am I am begging you, to help me; please. I can not do it alone.

Ed and I dug this out of the frozen ground on Sunday.
 It is by far the most anatomically correct heart shaped rock we have ever found;
the heart of the world is in our hands, please hold it carefully.

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all

has been my family’s motto and the premise for the SOS community since it’s inception. We can do this, we can achieve peace in our hearts, peace in our homes, and peace in our world, one individual thought word and deed at a time.

Please help me, today when you are faced with anger or fear replace it with a way to love. In stead of focusing on a problem, take a moment to find a solution and do your part to implement it any way you can.

Don’t lose sight of the joy that is surrounded by the light of the world.

I am still here, you are with me and together we can change the world, I promise, one simple act of kindness at a time.

Thank you for listening, I am eternally grateful for all of you and the privilege to serve.

Be safe, be well and know that you are loved.

In love, k