Tuesday, February 20, 2018

I'll be okay when...

 The other day I realized I spend a lot of time saying
it'll all be okay when.........

This happens or that happens...
or this is finished or that is started...

Then I realize that every time 
this happens or that happens

I find some other event
to replace that one with to keep myself
from comfortably moving forward.

and then I become frustrated
with myself for not being okay
right now.

The expectations we place on ourselves
to 'get over it', whatever it is;
can be very damaging to our spirit.

I know this,
however, knowing and doing
something about it 
are not the same thing.

I shared this with my sister-in-law, Brit
 and she very gently smiled at me
and said it is okay and it'll take time
for it to be more than okay.
She is so very wise (and chill) and I love her ❤

There will always be something
or someone to worry about.
That is for certain, today is no exception.
Life is hard and to find joy and peace
can take a lot of effort.

Here is something else I am certain about.
The alternative is not an option.
I will take the loss, sadness, grief
and frustration every second of every day
if it means I get to spend most of the seconds
with those I love and who love me
and sometimes sharing my love with those
that have never felt that kind of love before.

At the end of the day in joy and in sadness
it is okay because tomorrow holds
a new opportunity, 
a new beginning and
if you choose
a sense of the adventure
that just could be the start of
something miraculous
and WAY better than okay.

.......and when in doubt a little 
puppy love goes a long way!

Loved you then, 
love you still,
always have and I always will

xox-k





Saturday, February 10, 2018

My tear filled day I spent with fear.......

My playlist has absolutely no rhyme or reason,
it changes on a daily sometimes minute to minute basis.

Yesterday as I was traveling from patient to patient in tears as
I face yet another loss in my life.......

I heard this song for the first time.


Fear Is a Liar

When he told you you’re not good enough
When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
That you’ll never be enough
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
When he told you were troubled
You’ll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You’ll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
Songwriters: JASON INGRAM, ZACH WILLIAMS, JONATHAN LINDLEY SMITH
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, ESSENTIAL MUSIC PUBLISHING
For non-commercial use only.

I was afraid,
and I cried. 
I was afraid of the voice  in my head,
someone else's voice 
which was becoming my voice
 repeating over and over again 
that I wasn't worth the air I breathed....
brought me to my knees.

I have a quote written on the mirror in my bedroom that says,
'When it gets too hard to stand, kneel.'



I guess on my knees was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Fear, in every form including the inhuman(e) form is a liar.....
and I am grateful, although fear brought to my knees.....
it is hope; which is stronger than fear 
that helped me to rise again.....

And of course my eternal gratitude goes out to
the people, my people who surround me 
with loving kindness without the presence of fear
every moment of every day

Stay away from fear, don't listen to it;
it is not your friend

with loving kindness and hope
for a world without fear

peace, k




Friday, February 2, 2018

Talking to yourself

I am stupid, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I'll never be smart.

I am worthless, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I'll never be worthy.

I am unlovable, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I will never be loved.

I am ugly, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I will never be attractive.

I am weak, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I'll never be strong.

I am a failure, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I will never succeed.

I am broken, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I can't be fixed.

I am a horrible wife, mother, daughter, friend, always have been, always will be it is who I am.

I am an addict, always have been, always will be it is who I am. I will never recover.

See where I am going with this.................................
Take a moment and think about these statements...............................
how you see yourself..........................
If I missed some terrible thing about you,
go ahead and insert it, you probably already are.

I become frustrated and sad looking at all those statements of absolute truth :/

Why hang out with bullies when we do such a great job of beating up ourselves?

Now, I'd like you to take a moment and take the name of someone you love and value and replace the 'I am' with their name and say 'you are" to all of the above......................................................

I am certain, just like me, you too, are now frustrated and sad that someone you love is being attacked.

When I am faced with protecting my people (and that includes you) from verbal/emotional/physical abuses I become the strongest person I know, the protective Momma that would go to the ends of the earth to keep you safe from harm.

Beauty is in everything
(soap suds on my window at the car wash)

Listen carefully! YOU ARE the person who is the someone who is loved protectively by someone else. You are loved by the Divine Source of all creation, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are worthy, you are strong, you are not broken, you can succeed, and you are most certainly NOT an addict.  Addiction and every one of these traits, can be a part of you from time to time but in no way shape or form are they WHO you are. You are more than one thing at any given time. You are many things, and that is what makes you special. There is only one you and if you are reading this, you are part of the SOS community of folks that refuse to give up on each other.

I have said it before and it bears repeating. WE ARE NOT ALONE, this support system is not about me, it is about us, the collective us that sticks together and lifts each other up when we need it most. We are many people, in many places, and at different times we all need a boost.

Don't ever forget this, and please also know that I may have received the gift of being able to share my beliefs articulately, but in no way does that mean that I have it all together. I believe I write these posts as I need to hear them because God sees me struggling. Today, in the midst of the many challenges I face, I will keep on keeping on or fake it till I make it because I know, although I don't always believe in myself you all still believe in me as I believe in you and for that I am and always will be eternally grateful.

In kindness & love,
k