Tuesday, April 24, 2018

The loss of a pacifier....

As I walked my usual path this morning
I saw this pacifier sitting on the ground.

I wondered how the child it belonged to responded when
they realized it was no longer there.
I am guessing it was either discarded in a moment
when the belief was that it was no longer necessary
or that it was dropped accidentally.

Learning to live in recovery is very much like
learning to live without a pacifier.

No matter how you became addicted to either a substance 
or a behavior really doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is the relief that is felt
when the pacifier is used.

It is not my intention to simplify
what is a very painful way to live; however,
sometimes taking something back to its simplest
level can help begin to heal it.

For an infant/toddler putting the pacifier in your mouth 
brings instant gratification.

There are times when all of us could use a quick fix
to deal with painful circumstances in our lives.

The problem lies in the FACT that the quick fix
is a contradiction.
It may be quick but it does not fix. It does
nothing to heal the long term; only the moment.

Did that child's parent/caregiver race out and replace it,
did they have a backup so there would be no

I believe the answer lies in the question,
was the child ready to try to accept life without it.

I will never know, and it is not my place to know
as that child's journey is not my own.

What I do know is that each and every one of us
on this earth and beyond have chosen to self-soothe
at one time or another with something/someone/someway
that probably wasn't the best choice at the time.

What I also know is that today is another day
and tomorrow is another day and the next and the next
and the next.

Although tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
giving up today because tomorrow may not come
is very simply unacceptable.
Your life is worth way more than that;
whether you see it or not.

We have to make the decision for ourselves
when we are ready to leave the pacifier of
instant gratification for long-term gratification.

Choosing to pacify yourself with people places and things
that are healthier and love you more than
any substance, shopping trip, big win at the casino
or anything else that doesn't serve your higher purpose
is always going to lead you closer to inner peace.

Today, my prayer for you is
that your life overflows with 
an abundance of loving kindness.
That the joy and happiness
loving kindness brings 
helps sooth your every need.
Finally, That you may find in this life
everything you need for your
spirit to soar!

May the merciful God of all creation
guide you toward a path of peace
today and always

Monday, April 16, 2018

Will you take the risk?

Every choice we make in life is followed by a
payoff or a consequence.

If we never take a risk or step out of our comfort zone
we would never truly be able to experience
some of the greatest joys life has to offer.

If we never give ourselves a chance to succeed,
we never will.

If we never ask the question,
the answer is always no.

If we never take the shot,
we will never make a basket.

If we never reach out in love,
true love will continue to elude us.

If we never test what we are capable of,
we will never know our achievable success.

If we allow our fears of failure, rejection or commitment to
keep us from trying, we will always be controlled 
by our fears.

Where are you in your life right now?
Are you happy with your current circumstance?

What are you willing to do about it,
today.......right now.......

What is holding you back,
I'm guessing it is probably fear.
Fear is what holds us back most of the time.

Staying where you are even if it is not a safe/happy place
is often less scary than reaching for something joyful
because it requires taking that risk.

Even if you have been in this place for your whole life,
there is a way out. Will it be easy, I am also guessing no;
however, will it be worth it, I know first hand.....YES!

Here's the catch, it may take a really long time
to get to where you want to be.
You may have to travel through some deep trenches
and climb some steep hills.
At times you will probably feel trapped and 
too weak to go on.


One thought at a time,
one breath at a time
and ultimately, one step at a time.

What is the payoff or the consequence.

Go back two posts ago,
read and reread until you 
see yourself as the face of recovery!

Where there is a will, there is a way!!!!!
Be inspired, be awesome and BE YOU!

Spring has sprung at Ben's cemetery.
In spite of the frozen infertile ground,
this sign of new life springs forth.
Frozen or not, bloom where you are planted!

Most Divine Creator
of all that is seen and unseen;
watch over all who are searching for peace
in their lives.
Help them to know that you are only a thought away
and can be called upon at all times 
to help with the strength that is necessary for change to occur.
Fill their hearts and souls with the knowing
that you are always with them,
guiding them toward greener pastures.
Help them to recognize the signs you
place along their paths as reminders of 
your never-ending gracious love.

Love and Light for the journey
I love and admire you all for every first step

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Avoiding the trap......

We have all heard the warning that if you, do not put your own oxygen mask on first, you simply can not help someone else.

This is a terribly hard concept for caregivers of any kind; it goes against that internal belief that others must always come first.

I fall into this trap pretty often, even when I see it directly in front of me I often choose to step right in and then wonder why I start to crash and burn.

Caregivers are often placed on a pedestal because they appear to be selfless. For me, this is not the case. I receive so much in the way of joy by helping others that often it seems selfish.

We, as individuals and as family and friends of those that live with  addiction know this all together too well.

We desire so greatly to serve others and yet often we are serving from an empty tank. Again, for me, I never resent those I care for; I resent myself for not having enough in the tank and by the time I realize the tank is empty it is often too late. I start that inner dialogue that says what was I thinking, I can't even take care of myself.

If you are still reading chances are you are saying 'yup... same'!

Last night I went to bed sobbing, slept for a few hours, woke up super early and have been FILLING my tank as full as possible ever since. I lit candles, yes at 3am :) I burned incense, I listened to the same meditation over and over and over........until it finally sunk in and I am full.

Now I am 100% ready to face another day with joy knowing that I am not serving on empty. I shared my ways of refueling, what are yours? They can be as simple as binge watching a show you love, 'scream' singing in the car, going for a walk or sitting in silence. Your spirit can be refilled in so very many ways.

When you see the trap in front of you, stop, take a moment to decide if you have enough fuel to get over it, and make a conscious decision as to how you should move forward toward the greater good for you and those you serve.

At a Sunday School conference many years ago I learned (and of course forgot) a simple idea
that defines how we can approach service in this case as Christ did. The self centered individual places the most importance on themselves most of the time. The others centered individual places the most importance on others most of the time. The Christ centered individual equally distributes the value of each. Those of us who are Christians know that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for us, however, while on earth there are many references to Him stepping away, in body to refresh, to commune with God, to ask and to listen, so that He could return with a renewed sense of service.  The disciples feared being 'on their own' however they never really were. His presence remained in the love and support He gave them to hold them over until His return.

Refueling Station

Today my prayer for you (and for me) is that we serve those we love, including ourselves, so that our service becomes a witness to all the world that we are truly one community with the intention of living in harmony with each other.

May the peace, love and light of the world shine brightly on you and refill your spirit to overflowing!
God's blessings today and always, k

Friday, April 6, 2018

Hillary, the face of recovery

Recovery is possible, although
the statistics are overwhelming,
I am here to remind you that 

Hillary started using recreational drugs and drinking 
when she was in middle school.

I love my daughter and yet there was no amount of
love, punishment, counseling or effort on my part
that could have changed her course.
Believe me I tried.

Her sobriety had to come from within her, and it did!
She beat the odds
because she made the choice to.

Hillary was in deep,
IV heroin use, arrests, living on the street
and risking death on a daily basis 
while those of us who loved her from the depths of our souls
had to sit back and watch, helplessly.

I died a slow death right along with her.................

And then one day all that changed,
until it didn't and she relapsed.
And then it changed, she relapsed again and again
and again, until finally one day she realized
she was seeing the same faces at detox.
The faces of men and women
who, like her, were 'regulars'
in the beds next to hers.

She met many folks who were in the 30's, 40's 50's.......
and knew that if she didn't make a change that
she would continue the cycle.

Another round at detox, another 30, then 90 day program
and a stay at the Recovery House
in Hartford where she met Ben changed everything.

She found the will to live and not to give up


When Hillary was able to move home it was scary,
for her and for all of us.
She had to repair what she had broken during her time
with heroin. She did a ton of community service,
she found a job, she had to live her Momma
(which for a grown woman is really tough too),
and she fought the urge to use.
Over and over and over again she made the choice
to keep going even though there were setbacks.

It was NOT easy, she is not the exception.
She had to face her past and her demons, same as
anyone else in early recovery.

She had to face that it was hard to get a job,
hard not to have a vehicle, hard to earn back the trust
of her family, and just as hard to face the cravings.

Here are the statistics: sadly, most heroin addicts
do not recover, it is a dangerous disease and most
do end up either in prison or leaving this life
because 'chasing the next fix'
becomes harder with age.

This is Hillary today!

She is sober, by choice and back-breaking efforts!
She paid her debt to society and more importantly to herself.
She went to school (while mothering an infant at home)
she graduated at the top of her class and was recognized
by her teachers as a leader!
She has a career where she is trusted, respected and valued
for her contributions.
She has a family and a home of her own and
is living her dream.

She survived and did NOT relapse when we lost Ben
to an accidental overdose when she was 5 weeks pregnant
with their second child.
She has incredible loving relationships with her family,
friends, 'Old Man Sean' and her boys.
Most importantly
she has found a way to forgive and love herself.

This is only a brief snapshot of who Hillary was and is,
however, it is enough to show everyone reading this
who believes they have too many road blocks in their way,
to live a life in recovery that it is indeed possible.

Do not tell yourself those lies,
where there is a will there is a way!

I have encouraged her to share her story
because it is a story of survival,
a story of recovery and ultimately a story
of beating the odds. Hillary never allowed herself
to be weighed down by statistics!

Please......believe in yourself,
I know I believe in you because I have witnessed
miraculous recoveries first hand.

Surrender to your higher purpose
Surrender to the love that can surround you if you let it
Surrender to the possibilities
Surrender and let Hillary be an inspiration to you.

My Story
I cry tears of pride and joy as I write this:
Hillary is my firstborn and I have watched
her grow from the moment she came into this life.
I watched her fall and I watched her get back up.
I watched her walk away, had to let her go
and welcomed her with open arms when she came back.
I watched her fight for her life even when she had
no desire to go on.
I watched her rebuild relationships with her siblings
who are all now the best of friends.

She is truly my hero!
I would take a million Hillary's as my daughters
and a million Ben's as my sons.
I have been BLESSED to have many
that live with addiction in my life.
Their journey's inspire me on a daily basis!

Let them inspire you
and please
Inspire them in any way you can!

Peace be with you my friends and family
which includes all of you.

Divine Spirit of all creation,
I thank you for another day.
Please rain down
your strength and compassion 
on all those that need
your love and support 
today and always.
Hold them closely and 
remind them of their value 
and power to heal.

Please reach out to me if you are in need of resources to help in your journey or the journey of those you love toward recovery. I don't have all the answers however I have many connections that do.

Much love and prayers for healing, k

Sunday, April 1, 2018


Good morning & Happy Easter!

There is no better day to remember death in it's many forms than Easter. In the Christian tradition, without the death of Jesus, there would be no Easter. One can not rise if there was never a fall.

When we are born we spend how ever long we have in the physical realm in a series of falls. Our first fall, from Spirit to our mother's womb, our fall out of that womb into our life on earth, and eventually we all fall one last time back into the arms of God.

God did not intend for any of His creation to travel this journey alone. Throughout history it was always about connections, working toward living with others in harmony and in unity. Although, there will always be times it is necessary to travel by yourself just as Jesus did when he went off to  ponder and pray in solitude; he always came back. His desire was to have His people know his presence even when He was out of their sight.

God has taught me, through Jesus that my first name is 'child of God'. The name child of God is a blessing to all without regard to your religious or spiritual beliefs.

This weekend and the lead up to it, are always very difficult for me. The death of a man (a child of god) who was sent to teach loving kindness and was crucified because people were afraid of the power of that love; I simply have a hard time accepting.

Here is where God shows up again, right where He always is, in God the creator, God the human, and God the spirit. 

We may be by ourselves at different times in our lives but we are NEVER ALONE!

This week I spent some time by myself in the cemetery where the urn that holds some of Ben's cremains is buried.

I spend a lot of time here and love being in the presence of the remains of the physicality of those that have died to their human form. I choose those words carefully because it is not the end, the end is only the end of one period in time and the beginning of a new life in a new dimension. The dimension we came from, the dimension that we are called back to. It is our new relationship, a new way of believing and feeling and seeing the love of God which surrounds us each and every day.

Look around you and see the people God has placed in your life to help and guide you toward serving your higher purpose. Look to those that want to be with you on your journey, look to those that share in the message that Jesus left behind; we are all His people though God. Whatever your faith tradition may be, you were created by the love of God.

God‘s love is for everyone, in my tradition, God sacrificed and gifted me with Jesus to show me just how much that love means. It is beyond anything that I can even begin to fully understand and every day is a new opportunity to try. The more I see myself as a child of God who belongs in this world living out my life the best way I can and sharing my love with others the closer my relationships become and the more peace I find within my spirit to choose a life of love and light and the path toward victory that is set before me.

Ben is buried in a memorial garden infinity loop. When I visit I walk this loop that never ends and I am reminded that even if  I choose to stop and step off of the loop, the loop remains, it will continue on and on and is there for me when I am ready.

I believe from the depths of my soul that nothing is ever truly over, nothing ever ends. Life and afterlife holds many changes and I embrace them.

Visit a cemetery, smile, talk, laugh and cry; as you do, remember the love of God through Spirit surrounds us all yesterday, today and for all tomorrows to come.

He is Risen, 
He is risen indeed!